On Midlife Crisis

I really don't feel good about the title of this entry but after reading a lot of stuff on the internet on mid life crisis all the signs and experiences mentioned seem to fit what I have right now.  Still in denial, I thought I am still young at 36 to experience midlife crisis.  Normally even without clear understanding on what midlife crisis is people would say it starts at 40.  So maybe things are just coincidental until i read this article from Telegraph of UK.

Just the other day I found my self crying while driving on my way to the office.  It really felt weird, why was I feeling unhappy and clouded?  And that same day while I was in a middle of a meeting one of my colleague said I can do the 'compliance audit', something that I never would want to take as a job or task.  Upon hearing the term I kinda lost my temper a bit.  Wow I am getting sensitive.

I still can't accept that I am experiencing midlife crisis having read this article on the depression and stress it brings, i realized most of the points discussed there fits what I feel.  What could be missing?  I have a nice family, a cool husband and wonderful kids, i have my own house and i have a stable job. Why do i feel just the way it was described from the article:

• Discontent with life and/or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years
• Boredom with things/people that have hitherto held great interest and dominated your life
• Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different
• Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before
• Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going.

Of the items above, the last 3 bullets were items I feel strongly about.  I realized I wanted to do something completely different.  Five years ago I started learning and blogging about a language which I am doing a self study on.  I felt like I need to travel at least 3 times a year overseas.  One day I felt like going back to school and take up law or finance management, the next day I wanted to take lessons on make up or baking.  All along I am thinking of things to do outside project management, process and business analysis and yet at the back of my mind I know I can't leave my profession for practical reasons. 

Then I started to think was there something wrong with the career path I have chosen?  Clearly I wanted to do something else. Few years ago these are things that I have not thought of.  The fact that I rose from ranks, everything feels so right.

A boss who became a  friend the previous night asked me, after all the reorganization that happened in our company, what do i wanted to handle and pursue.  Ask me that 3 years ago I would be able to answer immediately, on the onset, but that very moment something is amiss.  I don't know what I wanted to do next =( Out of the many opportunities being laid, I was actually thinking of retiring.  Maybe coming from technical and then going to products is causing this confusion but looking back this may have just triggered everything.  I felt so pathetic, at 36 how can I be so blank about it.  Other than trying to be a good mom and wife who am I really?  I thought this is just phrase suitable for kids crossing to teenage life.

I really need to find back my sense of fulfillment and passion.  Reading about midlife crisis and accepting what I am going through puts things in perspective. It would be wrong to think it's petty because it's an emotional battle.  A battle that some may not be able to understand but now I know how it feels.

God has blessed me, I know it's ungrateful to be depressed for wanting more or something else.  I look around and people have different and even more hopeless cases.  I am trying to see this as another pass through in my life. I can overcome this crisis, definitely I will.  I know people who struggle to live because they are ill, some looking for decent jobs so they can live better, people who had to wake up so early so they don't get squeezed in MRT.  Positivity! I should be thankful from this day onwards I will try hard to find happiness and contentment even on smallest thing I have.  I hope to pass this stage with this in mind.  My baby boy once said 'Ma I am so lucky, i have pillows and plenty of pajamas.'  Simple but true.  So help me God.